Welcome!

I'm moving.  I'm moving and finally coming home, to myself. 

This blog is essentially an outlet for me.  If it helps someone else, that's wonderful, and a blessing for sure.  I am going to combine my journaling/writing/blogging with my attempts as designing my rented haven (apartment) for me and only me, for the first time, ever. 

You will see my photography here also as I am a serious amateur photographer.  I'm also a gardener and working on landing a job as a Dialysis Patient Care Technician.  

This blog is really about hope, as dark as some of the days have been in my life, there must have always been that little glimmer of hope that has never gone out even when I didn't see it, it was there.

I'm a recovering alcoholic and compulsive overeater.  Today I can truly say that I am grateful for being an alcoholic in recovery; I wouldn't have ever received the gifts in my life that I have today (and been able to see them as gifts) if it weren't for my Tuesday night girl's group and the people and program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I still struggle with food.  Today I am abstinent from sugar, flour and volume, one day at a time for 19 days.  I realize I eat when I'm stressed, angry, or anxious.  

This moving out is a huge thing for me.  I was in a relationship that was pretty dysfunctional, especially the last few years; name calling, threats, emotional abuse - and I realize now that I was not just on the receiving side of it.  I knew it was not what I wanted from a relationship, but I stayed. 

Did I believe it would get better?  No.  I thought that's what I deserved from a relationship.  

I now realize that it has been all wrapped up in my lifelong goal of RESCUING.  Rescuing animals, furniture, plants, buildings, but for the most part.....people.  I came into this world with (I believe) one goal - to rescue. That by rescuing 'you', you will, in turn, rescue ME.  Mostly from myself.  Please rescue me 'cause I can't handle what life may throw at me!  Sigh.

The Princess/Savior/Rescuer has never shown up.  And I know realize that person doesn't exist.  

The only person that can rescue me, IS me.  

I believe I was (subconsciously or consciously) conceived to rescue my mother from her abusive relationship with my father.  My father was (in my estimation) an alcoholic before I was born, and my mother came from a very long line of codependent women.  Combine the two together and  - Viola! ~ instant insanity.  I am the oldest of two daughters.  My mother told me I was 'supposed' to be a boy (hence the rescue from the other male figure). My sister is 7 years younger than me, which created two entirely different perspectives of our family.

I remember my mother telling me in detail about the arguments my parents would get into; they involved threats of leaving/being left, physical harm, including at least once when they ended up in the hospital emergency room with cuts from throwing dishes at each other.  I still remember the wistful look in my mother's eyes when she spoke about it.  EWWWWWW. 

Thank you God that I know now, that is sick thinking.  Unfortunately knowing that thinking is destructive and not REPEATING the same patterns are vastly different.  I'm still working on the latter of the two. obviously. 

It has only been a few months since I received the epiphany that my whole existence has been orbiting the word rescue.  I remember sitting up in bed and saying 'that's what it is!'.  Like a thunderbolt from the clear blue sky.  

Thank you God.

I have the most amazing therapist in the Uni-verse.  Thank *GOD* she finally got fed up of listening to me whine about my situation and kicked me in the butt about it, by telling me what I was going to do (because left to my own devices, I will NOT figure things out on my own that are most the time 'duh' obvious to other people).  

This is also about Faith.  Faith that I will GET a job soon.  Faith that I CAN take care of myself, AND also dis-cover who *I* am, which until this point, I am have been terrified to look at.  

I hope you'll join me on this journey.